Je Ne Sais Pas

Possibly my favourite French phrase because it sounds nice and it made me seem really smart in French class when I would answer Mr. Caudle with "I don't know" in the appropriate language. That is what life seems a lot like lately: I don't know. And it does kinda freak me out. A LOT. Commitment and not knowing do that for me. And it could be the realization that I'm going to be someone's wife in about just a month and even though all the wedding plans are seeming to come together the actual reality of it's more than just one day I'm preparing for.....it's a lifetime which is sorta a long commitment. Well, not sorta....it IS.

And well, I wish I could say the wedding day and life happily ever after is something I had always dreamed about (least if I had dreamed about the wedding planning woulda prolly gone a lot smoother). Never really thought much about marriage because I just figured it wouldn't happen for whatever reason. And I was content being single, too. Not to mention that commitment to most things just wasn't my style. Being committed demands your time, effort, best and not being so scared of failing. Not mucking things up (Phrase I like to use because when we were little we would visit Grandma Conner's house and wade for crawdads and other slimy things in the creek behind the house. If you didn't walk just perfectly you would make the water mucky with all the stuff from the bottom of the creek making it impossible to see what you would need to do to catch critters) is a lot easier when you don't even try. But marriage had always seemed the WORST sort of commitment because you have to really pay attention to someone else in such a way that you just don't do with most people. And if ya muck that up then things are just ubermucky from that point on.

But God is great, God is good, and God has a sense of humor. Best of all He has plans for a future (Jeremiah 29 :11) for even a wayward, stubborn child.

At some point a while ago I "met" my fiancee online via a facebook group. I disliked him intently to put it nicely and I let him know that, too. Often. But what I love about Tyler is that even though I was harshly honest with him, he was still so compassionate and would listen to my rants, raves, and struggles. And it was his love for God and the mission work God directed him that really drew my attention to him and made me want to converse with him (eventually a promise to teach me to play spades that would later be fulfilled after I was his girlfriend for more than a month). Typically I do not engage in conversation with people I dislike but I love talking about God and how He has changed a person's life.

Even when I was short with him Tyler would be patient with me, too. Another thing I admired was Tyler's honesty.....though he can be brutal with it at times. Not to mention Tyler is genuinely sweet deep down, is a hard worker, and dedicated to those things he is passionate about (especially God and his family). And Tyler reminds me that I am a child of God, became a friend who not only prayed for me but would pray with me, and would remind me that I am a beautiful person inside, outside, upside down (maybe that's a bit silly, but Tyler has a quirky sense of humor that makes me smile/laugh even when I don't want to). So after a while I started thinking of Tyler as a friend. He has been a good friend but eventually I started praying to God to make him go away. I would pray for God to make Tyler hate me cause I did not want to muck up such a great friendship (rather end it than develop it further because it's pointless in my opinion to start relationships with someone you cannot see yourself marrying from the get go and the best way to avoid marrying someone is to avoid relationships). Guess that wasn't God's plan.

Eventually I mentioned to Tyler that I had affections for him that I did not want. I thought that might make him go away. Didn't work. If anything he was still just as sweet, caring, patient, etc as ever. Twas irksome. It was funny cause Tyler would mention things about being in relationships and I would hyperventilate. Literally. And he would sweetly talk me through getting my breathing under control. (If we were chatting online and I stopped typing for too long he would call to remind me to breathe slowly). At one point we took a three day break to consider whether or not a relationship was something we should pursue. That came and passed and nothing happened except we both realized life was more fun/seemed a bit better when the other was there. So about a week later we were chatting online about the possibility of a relationship when I suddenly realized that I was not having a panic attack. Tyler instantly called and asked me to be his girlfriend.....at which point I had a panic attack.

Since then things have developed weirdly but we have grown in our friendship and our relationship. (Kinda silly to use both phrases in the same sentence being that a friendship is a form of a relationship but ya know what I mean.....hopefully). We have been incredibly blessed. We have had to have breaks from each other to focus on His will for us as individuals and us together as a team. And we have been blessed with some positive examples of Godly couples and friends who have prayed for us.

And then Tyler proposed with explosives and an Ipod. The Ipod was expected, the explosives were kinda sorta, and the proposal? Not. At. ALL. Which leads me to this current state of realization that I am about to be this man's wife and that is a prolly a code red level of commitment (pretty sure code red is high alert) which has a lot of responsibilities and prolly going to have a lot of "je ne sais pas" moments. But that is okay I have been spending some time with God (which is always a smart thing to do) and considering somethings. And I have felt a calling to not only become this man's wife but to become his support because he is going to be called to ministry. Don't know what he's going to be called to do or when or how. I just know Tyler is going to be called to do something in God's time and that I am to prepare my heart not to be just a wife but to be a Godly woman first so I can be the Godly wife he needs. If that makes sense. Might not cause I haven't been to sleep yet.....but well, the fact remains that I should be in full blown panic attack.

But I'm not. Because even though I don't know, in whatever language you prefer it, many things what I do know is that God knows and is in control. What could be more comforting?

And well, I will have to tell you about how I've felt called as it relates to my recent visit to Perry, music I've been listening to, and one of dad's most recent posts another time. I really have to go to sleep now. God bless. *smiles*